One thing we've learned over the years at The HOUSE OF DOOM!!! is that no haunt site is complete without two things:severed heads and crazed blood-spewing homicidal haunt klowns. Well, we've had the severed heads part covered nicely since day one...and now we've added a new section exclusively for klowns to run amok in! And since we are, after all, The HOUSE OF DOOM!!!, just not ANY crazed blood-spewing homicidal haunt klown would do. So we went out and and recruited Cincinnati's most notorious and well known (not to mention erudite and entertaining) dark attraction actor, Nightmare Estate's own Bludzo The Clown! Bludzo (who also has his name spelled wrong in the media more than any other actor) will be entertaining us bimonthly (or more often as the mood strikes him) with rants on a variety of subjects. Since he has complete creative freedom, it could be on any subject that catches his fancy (from his fellow creatures at the Estates to the haunt industry in general, or as far afield as his musings on quantum theory, applied microbiology, and the Reds' new cheerleading squad). After all, you can't put a lid on creativity. Just remember that Bludzo's rants are exclusively his own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The HOUSE OF DOOM!!!, although they probably do. So without further ado, HEEEEERRRREEEE'S 'ZO!
THE MOUTH OF MADNESS:This Month's Episode: Haunting Hijinx!'
Greetings Gore-Meisters!!!
It's time for another terribly tasteless trip into the Mouth of Madness!
Well fiendz...it is here at last...the '0666 haunt season is officially underway!!!
It goes without saying that there's been more than a few happenings and newz updates since we last met, and it has been one HELLUVA ride leading up to the haunt season kickoff. That's right folks, this season promised to have some new places, more monsters giving chases, and a whole lotta blood & gutz in yer faces and thus far it has delivered...at least that's what the majority of the initial reviews say (but more on that later).
Y'know, I must say frightfans, that fortune indeed smiled on the homeless hellhounds from Nightmare Estates late this summer. I'll admit it...up until August things were looking mighty bleak for the Estates crew and we were all just about to give up what little hope remained for an '0666 resurrection. That is, of corpse, until we met the diabolical denizens of THE Haunted House (featuring 1031 Productions at the helm for their inaugural season in the famed attraction)! Luckily, 'Uncle Charlie' and the rest of the fearsome faculty at the schoolhouse were more than willing to welcome us into their humble abode with open arms and open graves. I've said it before frightfanz...if loud & horrifying is good, then MORE can only be better! This unholy alliance is nothing short of a match made in HELL, and I think I speak for all parties involved (both dead and undead) when I say that we are all very stoked about this season and the tremendous opening weekends we have had! The only thing that could've made it better? Being able to announce it all to the world on 06/06/06...but as we all know in the hauntin' biz, nothing can ever be perfect (just look at the last haunt that ever occupied Forest Fair Mall...need I say more?). Look, you can call me partial if you like (although I'd rather you call me Bludzo), but I honestly believe that merging two haunts with essentially unlimited potential can only make for one of the best, if not in fact THE best, haunts in town. I know what yer thinkin' (well, actually I don't, but I'm gonna act like I do), "that's a pretty arrogant & bold statement there freak, considering other haunts have merged or have otherwise expanded and were still weak. And besides, you guys have never even worked together before until now. How can you be so sure?" Now that I think of it, that probably WAS what you were thinkin' wadn't it?!
Here's the bottom line...
Like any other haunt, both Nightmare Estates and THE Haunted House have had good seasons and bad seasons (nature of the beast fiendz...nature of the beast). But the fact of the matter is, that even during less than stellar seasons both of us remained strong haunts in our own right. Yes, there were many critics who panned the Estates year after year for having 'the same scares' or 'the same path & layout' just as there were others who gave THE Haunted House (which will be referred to as THH from here on out because I am a lazy bastard) bad reviews for a number of other reasons. Some of these critics have been considerably reliable sources, while others have posted reviews that made you wonder if they'd even gone through the friggin' haunt in the first place! (Sound familiar anyone?) Despite all of this, both haunts have ALWAYS had great crowd turnouts and have ALWAYS succeeded in making people wanna come back for more. The reason? Both haunts have always had a little something extra to offer that made them unique in their own right...something that appealed to yer basic frightfan. THH always had (still does) it's legacy...the fact that it is virtually synonymous with the Cincinnasty haunt scene. Yes, I know, there are publications which would have you believe it's the USS Nightmare that holds that title. Fact of the matter is, THH has been around just a little bit longer. And even though there have been times (plenty of 'em) that THH may not have held a candle to the USSN on a production level, it has still remained at the forefront of the local haunt circuit. Far too many people can think of THAT haunt and fondly remember the days when it was in the old Glenway Avenue Swallen's building or when it first moved to Forest Fair Mall. Hell, anybody who grew up near Cheviot, Western Hills or Westwood can remember when they used to be the highlight of the annual Harvest Home parade (well, I always thought they were anyways)! And Nightmare Estates? What was it that made the Estates stand out as a force to be reckoned with? It's quite simple fiendz. Nobody...and I mean NOBODY...has had to play the kind of s#!tty hands that were dealt to the Estates on an annual basis. Now I'm not saying that no other haunts have had to face their fair share of problems and headaches (nothing could be further from the truth), but the fact of the matter is that these recurring problems plagued the Estates every...single...friggin'...YEAR!!! And despite it all...the Estates ALWAYS (well, up until 2005 anyways) bounced back just in time to put on a great show. Where am I going with this? Nightmare Estates' legacy is that we were able to put on the caliber of haunt that we did with usually little more than four weeks to get it ready. Four weeks to plan, build, cover the legal bases, obtain permits, make sure the fire department's satisfied, round up an acting core (not everyone was ALWAYS able to come back each year), and if we were lucky, maybe have time for some last-minute alterations. I know that I am among many who will always ponder one thing regarding the Estates: Just what kind of haunt would we have been able to put together if we had ample time to do it?......
Now fast-forward to 2006-6-6...
THH, who may have very well been on the verge of extinction, sees a regime change followed by a massive overhaul of the building (an overhaul which actually began as soon as the '05 season ended). And the ghouls responsible for this daunting task (1031 Productions, for those of you who have been comatose for the better part of the last year) proved to be about the most deviously diligent and determined folkz in town when it came to whipping the ol' schoolhouse into shape. It wasn't the least bit out of the ordinary to cruise past the haunt and see this crew hard at work, essentially on a daily basis (hell, I even noticed 'em myself whenever the orderlies would drive past the schoolhouse while transporting me from one hospital to another!). It should be noted that, as first time operators of a "professional" haunt, this crew showed more vehemence when it came to putting the haunt together than most ESTABLISHED haunts tend to! THH was now in a position to not only regain its past gory glory, but to rise above and beyond it. Like all haunts, once reconstruction (or reDEstruction...take yer pick) is complete, the natural next step is to track down the ghastly cast to fill it, and THH did just that...conveniently at the same time that the displaced Estates crew was happening by. It's too late at this point to make a long story short, but what you basically have here is an insanely invigorated crew (1031 Prod) who have resurrected one of the greatest haunts in Cincinnasty history (THH) and have augmented their already awesome monsterpiece with a fistful of rogue freakz renowned for, if nothing else, their intensity (the Estates HACKtors). So maybe it IS a bold statement...maybe I'm being a little overly presumptious...but then again, maybe...just maybe...THH has returned as a much stronger haunt than anybody could have originally fathomed before. Of corpse, then again, I could just be a loud-mouthed lunatic clown (which at this point, I thought was a given!). I'll let you be the judge...but if the preliminary reviews (and by that I mean the reviews made by actual "haunt fans") are any indication, I'd say I'm pretty close in my presumption.
Which takes me right to my next subject matter...haunt reviewers.
Y'know, I personally love a GOOD haunt reviewer. Now I don't necessarily mean a reviewer who always gives positive reviews (what's NOT to love about that?). What I'm referring to are reviewers who honestly love a good haunt experience and are only doing this BECAUSE of their love for it and to provide a general summary for the other local haunt fanz who like to 'scout' haunts and see which ones they are most intrigued by. What I don't care the least bit for, are reviewers who like to belch out the same useless garbage every year about the local haunt scene, usually for the sole purpose of having something to print right before All Hallow's to get their readers' attention. Naturally, at this point, many of you are probably thinkin' that I'm taking a direct shot at the Cincinnati Enquirer. And although that assumption may be somewhat accurate, it's not just the Enquirer...well, it's predominantly them, but not entirely. I understand that they can't hire someone off the streets who is a diehard frightfan and have them slap together a preview/review section on area haunts, but you can't tell me for one sec that there is NOBODY on staff at these places who is capable of researching haunts...and maybe even visiting them a time or two... before they print anything about them!!! Sorry folks, as much as I know everyone would like to believe that it's just not true, and that every haunt reported on has been visited at least once by a reliable source in the realm of media...the sad reality is that it sometimes just don't happen that way. Am I still bitter because the Enquirer rediculously misspelled my name (after having been repeatedly advised of the correct spelling!!!)? You better believe it. Is that the sole reason for this particular assault? Not a chance fiendz, not a chance. I'm able to look beyond the name issue...well, kinda...and look at the other major screwups of these "reliable resources." For instance, as the opening weekends for the '0666 haunt season commenced there was reportedly a press release hyping the area's haunted attractions, which is great, except there were a few...shall we say 'misinterpretations'. In this particular release, every haunt from USSN to THH to FearFest to Dungeons of Delhi was represented and reviewed...which is very interesting considering Dungeons wasn't even open at the time. The synopses of each of this year's attractions looked distinctly like the ones released for the 2005 attractions in some cases and were not even remotely accurate in others. My favorite part...and I wish I could'a got myself a copy of this to frame...was the info on THH which boasted Freddy Krueger on the schoolbus. Two problems here: One, THH has taken the road less traveled and omitted movie villains from the haunt (except for the weekend of Friday the 13th). And two, IT WAS NIGHTMARE ESTATES THAT HAD HIM ON THE @#&$&?! BUS!!! Ya see fiendz? A little extra research is all it would take to prevent bovine fecal matter such as this from ever splattering across the presses...probably not gonna happen anytime soon, but still, that's all it would take. And what's worse is that we can expect more of this from various other sources before the '0666 season is in the books. I guess the ultimate reality here is that we're just gonna have to cope with the fact that most of these clowns (wait, I just insulted myself didn't I?) wouldn't know a thing about a real haunt if it fell outta the sky, landed on their foreheads and started to beat them about their head and shoulders with a tire iron...but then, that's just my opinion (I could be wrong). But enough of all this griping and carrying on. It's enough to make a person more aggravated than a midget at a urinal. Let's move on, shall we?
As I'm sure most (if not all) of you know the first REAL public display of terror promoting THH this year was an appearance by the SCAR-studded cast at Riverfest 2006. I've always known that scaring the bejeezus out of hundreds to sometimes thousands of 'innocent' folks is fun for the whole fam-damily, but making your presence known to hundreds OF thousands? Now THAT'S a real rush!!! I know the majority of the good people of Cincinnasty that we encountered that day were expecting a nice day on the riverfront followed by a brilliant display of fireworks...but what they got was a whole day's worth of fireworks! Unfortunately, all we could do was chase 'em down for a limited amount of time...nothing more (it's a little hard to hide a body when you're in a crowd that size!). At the end of the day, when all was said and done, countless people had been given a little taste of what to expect from THH for the '0666 season and the crowd was all very enthusiastic (well, those that didn't run too far away were anyways). And more importantly, most of them seemed more than willing to play along with our contests, games & various other forms of torture such as the "Scream-Off", the "1st (and maybe last) Annual Beastly Pageant" and even the "Classick Clownfrontation" (sportsmanship folks, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!). I'd have to say that it was probably the most invigorating promotional event I've ever been a part of. And who knows? If everything goes well...you will ALL be forced to experience more of the same down the road!!! Stay tuned freakz...stay tuned...
In many ways, being involved with THH is somewhat of a homecoming for this particular clown (it's true...I can't make this stuff up). When I first started in the haunt biz, it was with THH in '94 when they were at Forest Fair Mall (they would be the haunt at the mall that did NOT royally suck). They were actually the first haunt that I'd ever seen which housed a clown-themed area, although they may or may not have been the first to utilize one (can't say for sure). So when all of us from the Estates crew joined up with Uncle Charlie and the gang from 1031, I was somewhat surprised to see that many of the original walls (featuring various evil clowns) still remained intact...including a mammoth portrait of the great Pennywise himself that covers almost an entire plywood panel! In an effort to keep them intact, I've pretty much retired my machete for the year (it's no secret that the Estates crew can be a little on the destructive side...and you guys probably thought we had to replace the walls annually because of weathering!). In actuality I'm not the only cast member who is coming back to where it all began...the HACKtor that is known as the chainsaw wielding "Granny" or "Cletus Clarence Darlington" or the Mad Doctor (all depending on what night you see him) also began his terrifying trek at THH.
As the season's opening weekend rapidly approaced, most of the GHAST and GRUE of THH were all increasingly excited and even a little apprehensive. After all, with all the early promotional pieces, special additions and hard work that went into the haunt there was a great deal of expectations that needed...no, DEMANDED...to be met. All in all, that test was passed with flying colors...and the frightfans even got an added bonus. You already had 1031 taking over THH and breathing new death into it, you already had the Estates joining up with them...and unbeknownst to the general public, you would even have the crew from Dungeons of Delhi joining in the melee of madness as well! It's the ultimate triple threat, a TRIFECTA of TERROR if you will! But wait, there's more...with the abundance of exceptional castmembers, visitors to THH were just about guaranteed (and still are, mind you...the Dungeons crew still pops in for the occasional special GHAST appearance) to experience a different line-up and different arrangement every time! In fact, at no time since this season has started (to the best of my knowledge) has the same squad of clowns been in the school's Carn-E-Vil multiple nights...and furthermore, you never really can tell just how many clowns are there in the first place. You may come once and see three of 'em, but next time, there may be an ARMY of 'em waitin' for ya! I know, I know...a whole lot of other haunts have multiple clowns too. Trust me folks...nah, don't trust me...but see for yourselves what I mean when I say that there may be NO group of greasepainted freakz around town that can hold a candle to Killjoy the Clown; Razor the Clown, Fatso the Clown, Pogo the Clown, The Jester, Joker, Skittles the Clown and Schitzo the Clown. NO ONE!!! And on any given night, those who patiently wait in line for school to start can usually expect the madness inside the building to spill out into the crowd...'cause Charlie, the asylum inmates, Killjoy and myself (just to name a few) LOVE to scout the crowd (you know, to take measurements so that we have the correct size coffins on hand and to see what it is that REALLY unnerves the prospective 'students'). For those of you who have yet to drop by this season, you don't wanna miss this (remember kids, school's out on 10/31/06).
Y'know somethin' fiendz? There's been several members of the local haunt community (both on the acting side and the production side) who have been contemplating moving on to the wonderful world of indie filmmaking. I applaud them all for their aspirations, and I hope that it they get the opportunity to realize this goal. In fact, I've been a little inspired myself...although I doubt that I'm as equally ambitious as some of my cadaverous colleagues (my mind is usually racing in too many different directions to form a fluid, cohesive film). Here's what I DO have in mind, and it's gonna be my own little take on the recent internet sensation (and box-office bomb) "Snakes on a Plane"...are ya ready for this?..."Clowns on a Moped"! The final decision hasn't been made on that title, I still have others that I'm hashing around. For example: "Clowns in a Winnebago"; "Clowns on a Golf Cart"; "Clowns in a Pinto"; "Clowns in a Yugo"; "Clowns on a Tard Cart" (which, if you're being P.C. translates into "Clowns on a Short Bus"); "Clowns on a Dumptruck"; "Clowns on Your Mama" (you can almost hear Samuel L Jackson now can't you? "I've had it with these @#$%?! Clowns on my @#$%?! Mama!!!); "Clowns on a Tricycle"; "Clowns on a Zeppelin"; "Clowns on a Bass Boat"; and "Clowns on a Street Sweeper". The possibilities here are endless, but anyway you cut it I'd say I'm looking at a PG-13 rating (pretty good for the first 13 minutes).
Well fiendz, that's about all of the sickening psychobabble I have for the time being. But before we completely wrap this up in a tarpaulin, weigh it down with rocks and sink it to the bottom of the river in order to hide the evidence (sorry, got carried away there), let's revisit a little segment we started last go 'round. A little thing that I like to call..."MURDEROUS MUSINGS"!!! (since I'm such an indecisive reject, I'll likely change this title by the next time we meet, but for now...enjoy).
1. I like the fact that horror filmmakers are spending more time developing the back stories of our favorite villains these days, and wasting less time on adding another chapter to the ever-growing list of sequels (most of which are direct-to-dvd anyways). Texas Chainsaw Massacre successfully pulled it off, and it appears we can expect the same from Halloween (courtesy of Rob Zombie...unless he changes his mind on the script for the umpteenth time!).
2. Speaking of horror prequels and origin stories, Robert Englund recently mentioned that there was talk (nothing more at the time) of making a film that depicts Freddy Krueger's life as a mortal child murderer. A film that takes us from his "Springwood Slasher" days, to the murder trial in which he was ultimately acquitted, right up to the infamous fire. One can only hope...
3. Previous to his career as a school custodian, Charles "The Janitor" McFree was in fact a famous, yet sadly misunderstood, circus clown (true story).
4. I must direct this statement to the hordes of prepubescent derelicts who constantly ask me the same question when they pass through the haunt: I am not now, nor have I ever been, nor do I ever yen to be affiliated with ICP...GET IT THROUGH YOUR FRIGGIN' HEADS AND STOP ASKING ME!!! (there...all better now...voices can leave me alone...) [ICP=Imposter Clown Posers]
5. If this entire rant seems scatterbrained and looks as though it was pieced together at different intervals...you are CORRECT! (hey, gimme a break...been busy killin' grillin' slicin' dicin' cuttin' & struttin').
6. Some very dear fiendz of mine from the Estates went to a Horror Con in Cleveland and while there had Bill Mosely ("Chop Top" to some of you, "Otis Driftwood" to others) sign a picture for me. Mind you, I've never met the man and he's never met me...but even HE got my name right the first time and didn't even need to be told how to spell it! I know, I know, still kickin' a dead horse...well you can bet I'm gonna continue to kick the arse of this particular equestrian bastard until somethin' changes (I never thought the name was THAT hard to spell for cryin' out loud!)!!!
7. A few different sources have tried to walk through and videotape THH in it's entirety and almost all of them have had some kind of 'technical' issue with their equipment just before they entered the basement...kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it?
8. There's a small handful of folks, who shall remain unnamed (not because I'm afraid of their wrath or anything, just the mere mention of their names makes me physically ill) that view many of us at THH with contempt for our antics, theatrics and in my case, bloodletting. It apparently disgusts them (if you listen close, you can hear the violins tuning). Here's how I see it...this business seems to be more successful when HACKtors willingly cross the boundaries into the realm of what some deem controversial. Quite frankly, the days of someone jumping out at the paying victim, I mean...customer, and yelling "Get outta my [insert name of scene]!!!" are dead, buried & rotting in the ground. And if it's too much for ya, and ya can't handle it, get yer tired arse outta the hauntin' biz!!!
9. You know what really burns my backside (except for maybe a 4-ft flame)? The fact that Christmas is literally invading Halloween more and more these days. Can't Santa keep his fat @$$ in December where it belongs!!!
10. We'll get into more details down the road as time draws closer, but I figured I'd spill the bucket 'o maggots now...in 2008, a NEW party will be seen on the presidential campaign race (a WILD party, if I may quote Alice Cooper)...that's right fiendz...BLUDZO FOR PRESIDENT!!! (America BEWARE!!!)
Thanx for sittin' through this little tirade here fiendz, and enjoy the rest of the haunt season. And don't forget to drop back by around Hallow's Eve...we're gonna have a little supplement to this in honor of the greatest day of the year (which compared to this rediculously long rant, will likely be more like a leaflet!). And remember, what we say and what we do here are just thoughts, musings, opinions and ravings of a madman. And if anyone was at all appalled or offended by any part of this...GOOD! That means I'm doin' my job quite well thank you very much!!!
'Til later fiendz, remember one thing...there can be no SLAUGHTER without LAUGHTER! This BLUD's for YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Bludzo T Clown
2014
We at the HOD!!! are pleased that our ol' pal Bludzo has escaped from the asylum and once again set crayon to paper for your reading pleasure. Never known as being the shy, retiring type, Bludzo's patented rants take you behind the scenes not only of his twisted psyche but also the world of haunted attractions, horror movies, idiot politicians, park mascots that need their head ripped off and blood vomited down the stump, and whatever else happens to have the misfortune of falling under his gaze. We at the HOD!!! do not necessarily endorse Bludzo's take on things, particularly that whole bit about homicidal Klowns and why certain people just need to suffer at their hands. Then again, maybe we do. Who can say? While Bludzo modestly states he's not a haunt legend, he was the first 'name' actor in the area, playing to packed houses-make that roofs-at Nightmare Estates, routinely being called back out on the roof for encores. Having been 'expelled' to the Detention Hall at the Dent Schoolhouse, he continues to set the standard for single minded haunt insanity, destructive behavior, and Olympic-class blood spewing. So without further ado, we give you Bludzo...
The MOUTH OF MADNESS!!!
Vol 1: Three Years After...
“You know the thing about demons? You could perhaps summon them…..perhaps use them to do your work..…you could even get rid of them…..but sometimes…..sometimes they come back”
GREETINGS GHOULS, GOREMONGERS, GRUESOME GUYS & GALS, AND OF COURSE…FELLOW FREAKS, FIENDS & FRIGHTFANS!!!
It’s yer ol’ pal, that Greasepainted Splattermeister himself, (and noted Presidential also-ran) Bludzo T Clown!!!
Well, well, well...here we are again, at long, LOOOOOOOOOOONG last!!!
It has indeed been quite some time since we gathered here for another batch of morose mischief from the Mouth of Madness, and likewise much has happened in the time between. So I’ll not waste any valuable time, here in the early stages of our beloved haunt season, and get straight down to the business that has always made THIS random rant column some of the finest bathroom reading material out there!
So let’s see…it’s been pretty much since 2008 (eh, give or take) that we last congregated here…and in that time, needless to say, there’s been a lot of bloated corpses that’ve passed under the bridge or under the dam or wherever it is that corpses float these days! First, the obvious, was the fact that the Bludzo T Clown/Brick McBurly Presidential ticket crashed and burned faster than Ryan Dunn on a weekend bender (Awwww…is that an overwhelming collective GROAN I hear? C’mon, you know the score!! You oughtta know that NOTHING is “too soon” or too sensitive here!!!). So, I would like to take this time to personally say thanks to NONE OF YOU since clearly nobody cast their votes in our direction! And don’t even try to hide it and insist that you voted for us either, we saw the results!!! Although, in all fairness, I must admit I could maybe, MAYBE, understand a possible miscommunication…after all, the guy who went on to win the election has more convincing clown features than even I (Ever taken a good look at the head on that sumbitch?! You see what I mean then!). It is worth noting that not one, but TWO of the promises I made actually happened in the time between…while that knucklehead Obama STILL can’t make good on any of his!!! For one, KISS actually DID make a new album (hey, go back and read my manifesto…it WAS a promise I made, even if it meant lighting Gene Simmons’s Darth Vader helmet hairdo on fire!) and, are actually poised to release yet ANOTHER one in the near future! Also, Cincinnati got to see its first Horror Convention in the form of HORRORHOUND WEEKEND CINCINNATI, back in November 2009. And it has been a MASSIVE hit ever since…those of you that regularly attend such as I do know this to be true. In fact, HORRORHOUND WEEKEND CINCINNATI III is already shaping up to be a pretty bad-ass show! Check it out when it comes around, you will NOT be disappointed…and if you can swing it, stick around for the after party! It’s a chance to hang out with some of the character HACKtors you know and love…why just last year, people were chatting up how much fun it was to race Jennifer Rubin (“Taryn” from NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3; BAD DREAMS) on the waterslides, or toss football poolside with Jonathan Breck (“The Creeper” from the JEEPERS CREEPERS franchise), or even have a drink or two, or three, or a dozen, with none other than Harvey Stephens (“Damien Thorn” of the one and only original THE OMEN). And with a lineup consisting of folks like Anthony Michael Hall (THE DEAD ZONE; WEIRD SCIENCE), Michael Rooker (HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER; THE WALKING DEAD), Ernie Hudson (“Winston Zeddemore” from GHOSTBUSTERS), Kane Hodder (duh, only the best JASON VOORHEES there is!), not to MENTION the FRIDAY THE 13th PART 6, WALKING DEAD & PET SEMATERY reunions going on…it’s already lining up to be a worthy successor to the previous Horrorhound gigs! Check it out for yourself… www.horrorhoundweekend.com . So, to make a long story short (too late), even as a Presidential LOSER, I have seen some of my more important promises come to fruition (hey, say what you will, new KISS albums and horror shows in Cin City are FAR more important than crap like healthcare for cryin’ out loud…and clearly you AGREE with that, otherwise you wouldn’t be here!). And, who knows, it might juuuuuuuuuuuuust be enough for me to give it all another go in 2012!!! Maybe…
While I have been notably absent from my Mouth of Madness duties, that’s not to say I’ve been totally absent from the hauntin’ biz altogether. I’ve still been lingerin’ around, much like that pesky, awful virus that ya just can’t shake no matter how much ya try…although my overall presence was scaled back considerably in 2009, and was even a little lesser than normal last year. As any seasoned HACKtor can tell you, once you get this business in your blood…it’s there for LIFE (er…UNDEATH)! It’s impossible to just hang it up for good and not have anything at all to do with it, it encompasses your very BEING, it’s like one of the most addicting drugs there is, a natural high the likes of which is unrivalled! Sound a bit overboard? Hey, don’t take my word for it…I’m a clown…we lie, it’s what we do. But you ask any legit HACKtor, take your pick, and ask them that same question: “Is it really THAT fun, THAT addicting?”, and then tell me if you get a negative reply…me thinks ye won’t!!! We all take great pride in what we do and how we do it…we do not usually show any animosity towards OTHER haunts, as we’re all out there for the same reason: To entertain by way of scaring the unholy hell out of anyone and everyone that comes our way…period. That being said, it gets JUST a little aggravating when you come across someone in the same industry that seems to favor working in, shall we say, remarkably unscrupulous ways…often out of simple jealousy and desperation. Now, out of respect for my main man Randy “Master of the Dragon-Print Shirts” Schadel, I will not name specific names (even though he’s already said time and again that what you read on here doesn’t necessarily equate his own feelings, thoughts, etc) as he is still a very unbiased and fair individual and should always be identified as such. Besides, I don’t even NEED to name names, because anybody who has witnessed their crap firsthand knows, and they themselves know even if they don’t wanna admit it!!! Any way you slice it, we all have that common goal/interest of scaring the bejeezus out of people at the forefront of our existence in the hauntin’ biz…and going hand in hand with that is the goal of being the absolute BEAST at what we do. And how does one make themselves a force to be reckoned with, or, in short, the best of the best? By throwing EVERYTHING YOU GOT at ‘em, be it thru molding your haunt around a specific concept, or by letting your HACKtors’ respective abilities do the talking to make the name and reputation of your haunt for you, and, of course, if you have the resources, carefully reconfiguring your haunt year in and year out so there’s always something new and exciting on the horizon for good folks like the hauntseekin’ public to look forward to, to want to come back for. Now, not EVERYONE can be the crème-de-la-crème, it don’t work that way. We weren’t always the numero uno haunt at Nightmare Estates, we weren’t always the numero uno haunt at Nightmare on Glenway (damn close, mind you), and we weren’t always where we are right now at the ol’ Dent Schoolhouse either! But you know somethin’? Whenever we WEREN’T at that level, we did not make it a point to slag those that WERE down, or drag their name thru the mud & blood. Oh sure, we might fire the occasional cynical smartasstic response, but that’s just having a good sense of humor (we clowns have those too! They’re ridiculously SICK senses of humor, sure, but senses of humor nonetheless), but that’s about it. Why? Because even if we weren’t the NUMBER ONE HAUNT in Cin City, we had class…plain and simple. Now, the reason I bring this up, is because it goes hand-in-hand with my overall complaint here…not ENOUGH class to go ‘round these days it seems. There remains a couple folks out there in the local haunt circuit that seem hellbent to this DAY on using petty mudslinging and other pathetic methods to combat what they feel are “unfair ratings” or “a misinformed public”. Why, not all that long ago I distinctly remember a certain individual posting his feelings regarding the “attention” the Dent Schoolhouse was getting out there for the general public to read, going so far as to basically say that people (and this includes the occasional “guest HACKtors” we might have on a given night) would have SOOOOOOOOO much more fun at his respective haunt than they could EVER have at Dent. As I recall there were a few other tidbits in there as well, but it was quite hard for me to follow considering it looked as though it was typed up by someone who was either at a 1st grade reading and writing level…or someone who was legally retarded. Here’s a thought, let people make up their OWN minds…we don’t go out pining for people to come check us out per se, the word gets around, and they come on their own accord. We don’t have close-knit friends or business associates to put in a good word for us come review time, we let our haunt and all that it contains do the talking for us. And we DAMN sure don’t waste valuable time ripping other places to shreds for ANY reason, because we respect them and because we have class. And it isn’t just us…I can think of MANY places that share this sentiment…and there’s no reason to NOT have that mutual respect, and still remain competitive at the same time. We have fun with what we do…if it wasn’t fun, we wouldn’t do it. So to those of you who have this mutual feeling, I say FANGS to you for joining your fellow brethren of bloodshed in collectively terrorizing the Greater CINcinnati area now as you have in the past, I salute you (with a single finger on one hand, and devil horns on the other!), and look forward to trudging through the piles of festering corpses as we march ONWARD celebrating year after year of this same nasty goodness! And to those on the flipside of the coin…those who still feel the need to put the ASS in class…if you’re reading this now (and I imagine at least ONE of you is), let me finish up by saying this: The more you try to sully our image, the more we will continue to rise above and beyond…the more you carry on this ignorant elitist attitude, the more ridiculous you will look with each passing year…the longer you mistakenly believe that you are the black cat’s meow and that you are the standard to which all other haunts should be compared, the quicker you will fall by the wayside…the more you shun everyone else in this business, the less you will be respected (yes, even less than you already are)…and the longer you keep up this charade that the same ol’ sh*t each year is enough to keep interest in you undead and well, the sooner you will be buried by your own mediocrity. That said, happy haunting, see you at the finish line, and if it doesn’t rain before I see ya again..…PISS ON YOU!!!
Now then…moving on…(I’m sure I’ve lost a reader or two at this point, but, you’ll have that!)
Y’know, every once in awhile I check the ol’ emails and still get random questions, concerns, inquiries, comments, death threats, religious propaganda, and so forth that vary in topic from the hauntin’ biz, to the state of our nation’s decline, tax advice, super bowl picks, and yes, even cooking tips. And it is these very emails that make their appearance on a little segment we call “ASK BLUDZO”. So, after a two-plus year hiatus, here we go with a few of ‘em! (Oh, yeah, and remember, “the names of all corresponding parties have been changed so as to eliminate any possible whining because their REAL names were used without permission, and, because I find silly aliases to be pretty damn funny, even at my age”)…
“You mention that you don’t like most remakes. With Stephen King’s “IT” on the horizon to be remade, do you think you will give it a fair shake? Thanks.” [Hugh G. Rection / Big Bone, KY]
Well, I like to think of myself as a fair kinda guy, but, I must FIRST wait and see what direction they go with casting (in particular, who’s gonna play the ‘Wise!). I’ll admit, I first panicked when I mistakenly read that Ronny Yu was gonna have a hand in it, as I loathe his work. He IS, after all, the man responsible for turning Jason Voorhees into essentially a meatheaded retard in Freddy Vs Jason (no offense to Kenny Kerzinger, but a Kane Hodder you are NOT!). But, fortunately, I discovered it in fact was NOT him, so, we shall wait and see. Given that it’ll be a theatric release instead of made-for-TV, the possibilities are much more open…might actually be pretty damn cool! But, again, tough villain to recast…Tim Curry did a fantastic job, I don’t think ANYBODY can doubt that!!!
“Hi, quick question. As a haunt vet, what’s your honest opinion of the USS Nightmare?” [Willie Maykitt / Renowned author of “A Run to the Can” / Sprinkling Springs, WV]
Ummm…it’s sporting a lovely shade of Rostbraun these days?
“Hey Bludzo. I been meaning to ask, whatever happened to you guys’s old director of actors, Randy Pattersmith?” [Sharon Needles / Trackmarks, NJ]
Good question, and, it’s not actually PatterSMITH, but, close enough. I believe, from what I understand, he was actually hit by a bus with enough force to launch him into a neighboring cornfield where he was summarily run over by a combine, dragged off and eaten by coyotes and shat over a cliff…I read that on the internet so it has to be true.
“Question. I play a clown too, and my makeup is pretty durable stuff, but I always have a hard time removing the stuff. Any tips or ideas?” [Helmut Von Sphinctertitun / Der Scheisse, Germany]
You “play” a clown, eh? Huh…well, have you tried battery acid? If not, try that…you’d be surprised how much that’ll take off ya! Glad I could help!!!
“Time to fess up! You break stuff inside the haunts you are a part of on PURPOSE, don’t you?!” [Wan Hung Lo / Author – “Three Tracks in the Snow” / La Mierda, NM]
Yes, yes, the question of my “destructive ways”. Here’s the long & short on this’n, and I think I MAY have finally convinced Mr. & Mrs. Wells of this too, but, nonetheless…it is never a GOAL of mine…well, let me rephrase that, it isn’t USUALLY a goal of mine to go on a physically destructive rampage whenever I’m inside a haunt. But it is also something I am incapable of controlling! Ask any lifer in the haunt biz, when you get out there, and your respective identity takes over your very BEING, you possess strength beyond strength, you are more aggressive than you would normally be, you are a living, breathing locomotive of fear and anything that ain’t bolted down (and even some of the things that are) is gonna get completely and utterly obliterated in your wake! Almost poetic isn’t it? Or, to put it another way…it’s simply collateral damage in the grand scheme of things, ‘cause try as you may, ya can’t make a soufflé o’ slaughter without bustin’ a few skulls along the way!!!
“Who do you think has the absolute BEST killer klowns in the local haunt scene?” [Captain Obvious / Noshitsherlock, Poland]
Well DUH!!!
And finally,
“As clowns, how do you and the others like Calliope and Fatso really fit the whole ‘schoolhouse’ theme?” [The general public, Greater Cincinnati Area, OH/KY/IN]
Get this question a lot, always have, and I suspect always will. We used to be a part of the Dent PTA Carnival, so one would THINK that’d explain it pretty well. But those who see us on the outside of the haunt obviously wouldn’t know much about the carnival part, so I used to keep it simple by saying, “what’s a school without class clowns?!”. Nowadays? With all the outdoor evil shenanigans that myself and Fatso and others partake in, I liken us more to schoolyard bullies than anything…and THAT my fiends, can be found at ANY school, ANYwhere!!!
Now then…moving on!
I know what some of you may be thinkin’…and please, stop me if I’m wrong…you’re thinkin’ “Y’know, each year at the Dent Schoolhouse, most of the HACKtors change face…the SCAREacter they portrayed last year ain’t the same as the one they’re playin’ this year, and might not even be what they do NEXT year either! So how is it that Bludzo is always Bludzo, Fatso is almost always Fatso, and Damien is always Damien (to name a few)?” Well in order to answer THIS question, it’s gonna require me to do something I don’t often do…step outta character for just a moment…so here goes. This’ll probably be a little bland, as I’m not quite as articulate as Bludzo here in the real world. Now, I may not be able to directly speak for my fellow haunt actors here, but I can at least speak for myself. For one thing, it’s worth noting that Fatso has pulled off other roles in addition to (not instead of) his duties as a fellow representative of the Clown Union of Nocturnal Terrorizors (aka, C.U.N.T.;….oh come on, don’t look so shocked!!!). Likewise, Damien has morphed his character numerous times and is able to blend the things that make him “Damien” into the concept of the Dent Schoolhouse. For me, after nearly 15 years of donning the same ol’ greasepaint for the same ol’ character, it’s not such an easy transition. Now before there ever WAS a Bludzo, and waaaaaaay before Bludzo ever had a defined character name, I was essentially a clutch actor, the type of actor that spends part of the time as a “breaker” and the rest of the time on-hand to replace ANYBODY in the haunt that either has to leave for the night, or is sick, or hurt, or whatever. I didn’t really have a character in mind, per se, in my first few years in the haunt biz, and I didn’t have the right build for say a Michael Myers or a Jason Voorhees or a Freddy Krueger (though I did don the fedora, sweater and blades of Mr. Krueger on several occasions at Nightmare on Glenway) so, clutch actor it was! But over time the characteristics that make up what is now Bludzo began seeping thru the cracks and when the opportunity came to give it a whirl, voila, the psycho clown at Nightmare on Glenway who eventually became Bludzo was born. Sound like a bunch of crap? Hey, eye of the beholder boys and girls, just telling you the truth here. The point is, the character has evolved over the years and it is really the only thing I know HOW to do…period. So, why is it that someone such as Calliope can go from being the first lady of killer klowndom to…uh…whatever it is she has transformed into this year? For the same reason that so many other actors at the Schoolhouse can morph into something else from year to year…they are versatile, they have broad palates as haunt actors which allow them to be almost chameleon-like at times, and in many cases, they just prefer variety! I applaud them, I certainly couldn’t do it! So, call it typecast, call it what you will…what you see is what you get with me. Luckily, the good folks at the Dent Schoolhouse seem content with that, just so long as Bludzo quits breakin’ sh*t. My good friend Randy “The Shock Rock Shogun” Schadel tosses the term “haunt legend” around when mentioning Bludzo in his write-ups and reviews, and while I’m humbled, I also say I’ve got a long way to go before I could ever really be deserving of that title. But, that’s just me, the REAL me, talking…Bludzo would probably have a different take on that. He and I are quite different you see. Now, back to the ranting.
There, zat make a little more sense to you creeps out there?! Good!!! Oh, and by the way…I stay the way I am each year because LIKE IT OR NOT, you creeps EXPECT certain things year in and year out, and quite frankly, what would a Haunt Seizin’ be without yer ol’ pal the Ayatollah Bludzolla?! I’ll TELL you what it’d be, it’d be like having Christmas without crowded-ass stores, whiney kids and dealing with relatives that you’d just as soon beat with a toaster as look at!!! More peaceful, sure, but not anywhere NEAR as LOUD and EXCITING!!! So face the facts my little BLUDhounds, this creep’s here to stay until the body itself craps out for good, or they FINALLY haul me away in a straight white vest to that white padded room…again! Legend? Huh, YOU decide!!!
MURDEROUS MUSINGS
1. Seems like each time we get to THIS part of the Mouth of Madness, we discuss something related to the plague of film remakes that continues inundate theaters year after year. I know, “but didn’t you get into that a little earlier with the question asked about the ‘IT’ remake?” Yes I did, and we’re gonna do it AGAIN, right here! Don’t like it? Toughski Crapski!!! While I have not seen the Fright Night remake yet, by all accounts it’s not that bad. I’ll at LEAST give credit where it’s due for the filmmakers not making Jerry Dandridge into some sort of Twi-hard sissy pseudo-vampire like that Edward friggin’ Cullen homo. A “sparkly” vamp Jerry is not…wasn’t in ’85 when Chris Sarandon played him, and ain’t now either, even with that loser Colin Ferrell playin’ him! Nice to know we DIE-hard frightfans can still have SOME faith that our fave characters won’t ALWAYS be destroyed in the remakes. “Ya have ta have FAITH, for that to work on meee…Mr.…VinCENT!!!” [those of you that know the original will get that…everyone else, just move on to #2!]
2. I recently read that the biggest bunch of loser religious fruitcakes out there, the Westboro Baptist Church (a bunch of inbred jagoffs from Kansas), will be hitting the tri-state later this month to picket outside of Miami University and Oak Hills High School respectively. The reason? Nobody knows for sure, and besides, these cornpokes NEVER need a legit REASON to do their stupid crap…it’s just an attention thing. The reason I bring this up, is because it seems folks are increasingly firing shots back AT these idiots whenever and wherever they appear. Why, not that long ago, the Foo Fighters put on some redneck garb (very much akin to Nightmare Estates’ very own Cledus and Zeke Darlington!) and came out to confront them when the WBC stooges picketed outside of one of the Foos’ concerts. Dave Grohl penned a blatantly homo-erotic song called “Keep it Clean”, dedicated it and sang it to them from aboard a truck float much to the delight of the crowd who joined in the mockery! Now it got me thinkin’…these fools are coming into OUR town, days away from OUR unholiest of holidays, and starting up some of their usual douchebaggery. How cool would it be if a bunch of us freaks from the haunt scene got together in full regalia and gave ‘em a good ol’ fashioned, in yer face, WELCOME TO OUR WORLD B*TCH, down-home, greasy, loud & proud, full o’ piss & vinegar, up-yer-butt-Jobu, “this is how we do it in Cincinnasty” welcome?!? I’d LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE to see the looks on those toothless hicks’s faces if they had the pleasure of runnin’ afoul of an army of local haunters!!! BEE-U-TEE-FULL!!!!
3. Since we last convened here I had the pleasure of meeting two of pop culture’s biggest stars in the 80s, and biggest punchlines in the 90s…the “Two Coreys” themselves, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. To Mr. Haim…I say I’m quite grateful for having the opportunity to meet you before your untimely passing, I applaud the efforts (albeit, and tragically, too late) to turn your life around. It wasn’t but for a little while, but you were quite a pleasure to be around and it is something that I will remember with great fondness. To Mr. Feldman…I say thank you for completing my Lost Boys pic by lending your signature to it. And, also, QUIT ACTIN’ LIKE SUCH A PRIMA DONNA!!! JESUS CHARLTON HESTON CHRIST MAN, YOU ARE NOT MICHAEL JACKSON, YA NEVER WERE, AND YA NEVER WILL BE, SO LOSE THE GETUP, CUT THE STUPID STRAND OF HAIR HANGIN’ DOWN THE ENTIRE LENGTH OF YOUR FACE, AND GIVE UP THE ACT!!! YOU’RE EDGAR GODD@MN FROGG FOR CHRISSAKES (or Tommy Jarvis, take yer pick)!!! GET BACK DOWN TO REALITY SOMETIME BEFORE THE FILMING OF LOST BOYS 4 THERE, CHACHI!!! COMPRENDE` DOUCHEBAG?!? [Note: It was hysterical to have Feldman in the same signing room as Sean Patrick Flanery and Norman Readus from “Boondock Saints”, because they razzed his ass every chance they GOT!!!]
4. Indianapolis is rapidly becoming the Midwest hot-spot for Horror Conventions these days. Horrorhound Weekend has already established itself as an annual mainstay, last year saw the arrival of the Famous Monsters of Filmland Convention, and THIS year, there was the Days of the Dead Convention in July and Monstermash Expo this December! While Famous Monsters and Monstermash appear to be of the travelling variety, Horrorhound and Days of the Dead have already made it clear they WILL be returning for 2012 (HHW as I said is an Indy mainstay at this point). We’re fortunate to have one FINALLY here in Cin City, make no mistake, but frightfans…you all owe it to yourselves to make the 2-hour trip up north if you haven’t done so already. I know myself, and all the fellow freaks that go up there WITH me, have NEVER been disappointed, and there’s no shortage of impressive additions to these shows you might not otherwise see. Example? Days of the Dead brought none other than Ace “Space Ace” Frehley, the ORIGINAL lead guitarist of the one and only KISS! It was definitely something to behold, especially for a KISS Army member such as myself. Now, rumor has it (and it’s just that for now…a rumor), that Days is gonna make an effort to trump that high-caliber guest for 2012. How, you ask? Well, let’s just say speculation is that it’s gonna possibly be someone who was at the forefront of merging horror and rock ‘n’ roll together in the unholiest of unions! Stay tuned!
5. One more tidbit on film remakes (oh, shuddup and quit’cher b*tchin’ already!!!). I maintain the BEST way to do it, is to take an older film that could TRULY benefit from an overhaul or reboot, much as they did with The Hills Have Eyes back in ’06. That formula was used for the remake of I Spit On Your Grave just this past year…and folks, if you ain’t seen it yet, do yourself a favor and check it out. VERY good I must say!!! Problem is, there still seems to be this insane craving for remaking sh*t that just don’t NEED it. Example, they’ve decided to remake Teen Wolf. Yes, you read that correctly, TEEN WOLF!!! Not as a film, mind you, but as a TV-series on the sinking ship known as MTV. A bad idea to say the least…made worse, yes, WORSE, by the decision to veer it away from the schlocky humor that made the original what it was, and into something CLEARLY (or rather, “queerly”) geared towards the Twilight community. If you’ve seen the pics relating to this crap you already know what I mean. Not to MENTION the fact that the guy doesn’t even play basketball like in the movie, but rather…(shudder)…lacrosse! Can you @#?!$&# BELIEVE IT?!? Unreal! And, believe it or not, they are also STILL apparently hashing around the idea of remaking Jaws, a movie that can NOT be improved upon…not by modern effects, not by different actors, not by ANYTHING or ANYBODY. It is a classic, and should be left untouched! And the mere fact that they continue to mention Tracy Morgan as a possible cast-member if it DOES get greenlit, makes my very pale and rotting skin CRAWL! It won’t be the year 2012 that marks the end of the world fiends…it’ll be THIS piece of garbage seeing the light of day!!!
Alright freaks…I believe that’ll do it for now…
After all, our beloved season is upon us now! And there’s a whooooooooooole lotta killin’ & grillin’, cuttin’ & struttin’, slashin’, smashin’, thrashin’ & monster mashin’ that needs to be tended to!!! (Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, the rhyming bit’s plenty lame…DEAL WITH IT!!!). So, for those of you I have seen already…it’s wonderful as ALWAYS to make yer acquaintance! For those I haven’t, I anxiously await the opportunity! There is NO better time of year, make no mistake. That feeling you get, that rush thru your system…when the days get shorter…the nights get cooler…you can smell the dead leaves starting to permeate the autumn air…you can smell the greasepaint as it hits your skin…and you can hear the screams, the HUNDREDS, THOUSANDS of screams in the distance. It’s like a drug…a high that can be matched by absolutely nothing else out there! And that time is nigh my friends…come and enjoy it with me, won’t you?
So long for now fiendz!!!
And remember, as always, THIS BLUD’Z FOR YOU!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!